Grow Sideways like the Tree
Grow Sideways like the Tree
I am being called to write. I think it is because I have so many stories inside me that I have been holding close like treasures for far too long. I have been reluctant to share these stories because I tell myself, “Maybe I am just figuring out what everybody else has already known all along?”
There is truth in this thought, that you may know these stories too, or rather some variation of them. But maybe, somewhere along the way you have forgotten how each story goes and the sacred moral that it holds. So, I am going to continue to share the stories that I have within me and it is my hope that they reawaken memories of knowing within you. For my stories are but rememberings of the land and therefore stories that are true to us all.
As many of you know, I dropped out of art therapy school in January. In February I went to my family's cabin in Windermere and ended up continuously extending my four-day stay to what ended up being a month. Through dreamwork and walking the land, I was given so much clarity on my next steps. The first step was recognizing that my chapter in Nelson had come to a close. At the end of February, I moved back to my Nelson home and within a week I knew that I needed to leave, ASAP! In two days and on my 37th birthday I packed up my belongings and headed back to the cabin in the woods where I had lived prior to going to art therapy school. When I returned, the woman and friend who owned the cabin asked me, “Does it feel like you are going backwards, coming here?” I laughed and said, “No, not at all.” With a sparkle in my eye, I knew deep down why I had come again. I had come to continue the soul work that I had begun here just over a year ago. However, as I stepped into a cold and mouse-ridden cabin late at night, grief washed over me. I knew I was leaving comfort and it was time to confront my fears, including the small ones…themice.
Like the questioning of my friend, I have had my own internal questioning and doubt. With a bucket load of debt from an expensive private art therapy collage I have questioned if I had made the wrong decision in going to art therapy school in the first place. I have wondered if there was a point in spending thousands and thousands of dollars to just return six months later to where I had left. I have also questioned if I was simply not brave enough to do my soul mission on this land and maybe had run away. However, deep down I knew whether any of these mean thoughts were true or not, self-sabotage and regret were not the answer.
Let me take you back to Nelson for a moment…
Two days before I left Nelson, I went for a cold dip with a friend from art therapy school. We were walking in the forest and we were both feeling joyful about where we were at. She, to be in art therapy school and recently securing summer work and me for mustering the courage to do my own thing and share my soul’s work. As we were walking, I said to her, “I don’t think it was a mistake to come here and go to art therapy school.” She looked at me and said, “You know Laurel, it was a time of growing sideways instead of upwards. You know, like some branches of a tree, they grow outwards, not upwards.” I smiled at her and said, “You are right! If I was just focused on growing upwards I would just be a stick and not a tree at all.” We laughed at this idea and as I submerged my body in the icy water I was comforted by the thought of needing to grow sideways.
Two days later and the morning that I left Nelson, I hiked Pulpit Rock just before dawn, getting to see the townsite at sunrise for one last time. I planted prayers on the mountain for my journey ahead, took my clothes off and howled at the rising sun, made my version of a coffee and then made my way down.
As I was hiking down, I stopped in my tracks and took in this enormous grandfather pine tree that had grown straight up tall, except for a lower thick and dead branch that extended far out to the right. I laughed, knowing he too needed to grow sideways before realising there was no light for him there. I made my way down, feeling grateful for the synchronicity and the messenger of nature.
I’ll take you back to my cabin in the woods now…
The night I arrived at my cabin, I arrived late and it was getting dark. The land called me to go for a forest walk. Six months prior, I was terrified to be alone in the forest at night. This time, I entered and noticed a peace in my body and a feeling that the forest held me. At that moment, I realised that in going away I had developed a sense of psychic strength that I needed in order to be on this land in a deeper way.
A side story…
I have since walked many times in the forest at night and I am sometimes still riddled with fear, but this is part of why I am here, to face my fears. But this is a future story or maybe many stories.
So I will continue with this story…
A few nights after arriving in the cabin, I had a dream that reaffirmed my conversation with my Nelson friend about growing sideways. In short, the magical Dreamweaver of my dream shared that going away had accelerated my path and not stifled it. As a gratitude to the sacred Dreamweaver I wrote myself a card of all the things I had learned from my time in Nelson. I was blown away by the pages and pages that I had written. After writing the letter to myself, I realised on a more profound level the lessons, gifts and maybe even potential fruit from this branch of my tree.
The moral of this story…
The moral of this story is that it is not only okay to grow sideways, but necessary. My bucket load of debt is not debt at all, but an unseen investment into the workings of my own sacred soul tree. I share all of this because we all have a thousand stories of growing sideways and this is what makes up the sacred tree of who we are. These are not stories to hide or branches to hack off. Each branch, twig, leaf and fruit is a story, a lesson and a gift. I was lucky and had a friend, a tree and a dream reaffirm the importance of growing sideways. However, we sometimes aren't as lucky to have all these magical and mysterious messengers affirm for us the importance of growing sideways in times when we feel like we have failed. And sometimes, we do have them and are just too focused on growing upwards to pay attention.
My advice it to honour all our sideways experiences and forgive ourselves for the branches that die from not receiving enough light.
I chuckle to myself time and time again at how embedded the values of the patriarchy are within me. Growing upwards as a story of success is one of the great values of the patriarchy and capitalism. We have been conditioned to feel that if we are growing and producing something then we are of value and therefore are on the right path. We have been told this story for generations. In my mind, it is not a good story or a true story and there is an opportunity to tell ourselves a different one.
There is a new story that we can tell ourselves and at the same time, it is a story as ancient as the land itself. I am reminding myself of this story and I have come to remind you too, just in case you have forgotten how it goes. The story is that we are like the trees. We are not meant to stand alone as steroid-infused sticks as the patriarchy would have us believe. Rather, we are meant to root down deep and stretch our arms out wide until we feel the pulse of life within us. Naturally and in our own time we will grow upwards and rooted!
When we take the time to tend to our roots, symbolic of our shadow life and soul work, we are able to gift our soil (soul) nutrients to the trees around us. When we take the time to branch outwards and reach for what makes us feel alive creatively, we produce fruits that are not monoculture varieties, but rather sacred ones that are uniquely our own. Then as we naturally grow upwards we become the tree that we were always meant to be. Our roots can nourish the ones in need, our branches can provide shade and a comfortable place to land and our fruits can provide soul food for wary travellers on their journeys home. When winds and storms come, as they will, we will allow them to take the branches that no longer serve us, connected to ourselves and anchored to each other we will rise UP rooted!
So sister, brother and friend grow sideways, grow downwards and you will grow upwards.
Blessed be the rememberings of the Earth and the Tree,
Laurel Birk (Translator of the Earth)
Photo: Jeremy Bishop